How to Become Your Own Coach (So You Don't Need a Trainer Forever)

I don't want you attached to me forever. I'd rather you have your own tools, so you can go off on your own and decide from a place of power whether you want to keep going with me or not. That's my coaching style. With me, you learn how to be your own coach.

We live in consumer land. Everyone wants you on a subscription. They want to keep you forever. And I'm just not a lover girl like that. If you want to go, there's the door.

When you're the source of what you seek, the power stays in your own hands.

You don't need a coach forever

What I hate to see is people getting taken advantage of, thinking they always need a f***ing coach in front of their face when they're not even trying to go pro. You're not stepping on a stage. So why pay someone to stand over you forever?

I didn't come up with a ton of money. I used what I had, and I kept on using what I had. One of the first things I learned was how to do it on my own: how to be the source of what I was looking for, instead of always handing that power to someone else.

You can go from coach to coach to coach and spend a lot doing it. Or you can spend less in the long run and get one system that's always going to serve you.

Someone online said this about personal trainers: “You will quit as soon as you don't have one.” That's the trap. If the whole thing lives in another person, it leaves when they do. Build it in you, and nothing walks out the door with it.

The research backs the feeling. A review of 66 studies found that people who exercise for reasons they own (because they value it, or enjoy it) consistently exercise more, and enjoying it was the better sign of sticking with it long term. (Teixeira et al., International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 2012)

Now, I'm not saying I won't do it for you. If you want the princess treatment and want me to build it for you, I can do that too. My goal isn't to gatekeep anything. Either way, you'll always have the tools, and you'll always be free to leave.

Why I teach it this way

I'm a little weird compared to other people out here. I went up to 175 pounds. Before that I was a little Q-tip girl. One of my first reasons for getting in the gym? I couldn't get the hot fudge out at the frozen yogurt place. I was weak, weak. Down bad for real.

And through every season since, I kept my system. It showed me how I show up at my best, and how I show up at my worst, when I'm just trying to make it through the day. It taught me different versions of the same exact system.

So when you fall off, you don't start the guilt-and-shame loop. You know it was just a day. The next day you pick your program up right where you left off, and you keep going. Being kind to yourself after a slip isn't soft, either: in a pooled analysis of 15 samples, people with more self-compassion reported more of the healthy habits: eating well, exercising, sleeping and handling stress. (Sirois, Kitner & Hirsch, Health Psychology, 2015)

Pick your position

A disclaimer: I'm not the smartest in the industry, and I don't want to be. From studying highly successful people, they're usually not the smartest in the room either. They work with the smartest people. They run on simple principles.

You get to choose the position you play in your own life. Defence, offence, goalie. Don't get mad at anyone for picking a different spot: if it bothers you, that's a signal to check whether you really want to play where you are. You can put your hand up and say, “No, I'm doing it this way.” Nobody will stop you. That's the fun part.

Set it once. Rinse and repeat.

Here's what we do: set up a few systems once, then run them. They're so simple. I think it through once, I do it once, and then I rinse and repeat. I'm probably a hundred thousand times lazier than you. It just looks like I'm doing the most.

Three things get set up. Your daily schedule. When you train, when you eat, when you sleep. Decided once, not every morning.
Your training. A program you understand, so you're never guessing at the gym.
Your food. A plan simple enough to repeat without thinking.

This is how habits actually form. Habit researchers put it plainly: repeat a simple action in the same context, and through repetition it becomes automatic and close to effortless, and simple actions get there faster. (Gardner, Lally & Wardle, British Journal of General Practice, 2012) Set once. Rinse and repeat.

I've also made parts of it a little addictive on purpose. Everything else is already trying to pull you in: the scroll, the weekend plans, the habits that leave you worse. If you're not addicted to something good for you, you have a problem.

Rooted in yourself

Life will get you alone sometimes. I know that's not a sunshine thought. So picture this: you're cornered, back against the wall, nobody around, and you only have you to rely on. Are you going to win?

I want you so confident and so rooted in yourself that you can stand on your own two feet, ten toes down, and say, “Throw whatever you want at me.” Not depending on anyone, even in the hardest season of your life. The Bible puts it simply: “each one should carry their own load” (Galatians 6:5). You can carry yours. I'll teach you how.

Train getting back up

You're going to get knocked down. You're going to cry. There's going to be sweat and tears. So we need to talk about you getting back up, because I need that trained like a muscle.

You're not training for one event. You're training to go through whatever life brings. Nobody tells you this, but the losses and the hard seasons are your training ground. They're your mini assignments, and you can use every one of them to your advantage.

Every hard thing is your training ground.

Your roadmap

I'll give you the roadmaps from my own hardest seasons. You can start right now.

If you're tired of handing your power to someone else, the best time to start coaching yourself is now, while you still remember why you wanted this. Let's go.